Reader Question – Blow Me… Please

“Hi Shay,

I’ve been in a relationship for almost 10 years, we have an active sex life, not adventurous, but regular.

One thing I do want to do is to receive a Blowjob, My partner won’t do anything related to my cock and her mouth, says that she doesn’t like it, She won’t elaborate. Now I’ve tried to get into it a little further and she won’t explain any further and I’ve gotta admit that this is driving me crazy. I asked if she felt my cock was dirty, she says no.

I well realize that I cannot force someone to do something they don’t want to, but do you have any tips on how to proceed and maybe change her mind?

Thanks “

Coincidentally, I was just talking about this issue with a friend of mine over lunch this week; there’s been a lot of blow job talk around my dirty corner of the blogosphere lately. My friend and I were remarking on how “funny” it is that it always seems to be the men whose wives/girlfriends won’t (or can’t) give them blow jobs who seem to obsess over wanting one. But I suppose that it’s not uncommon for people to want so badly what they can’t seem to get.

There are a lot of reasons why someone might not want to give their partner head:

a) It’s uncomfortable for them/it’s “too much work” – to quote a popular television program – “it’s called a job for a reason“. For some women, when you ask them for a blow job, all they picture is neck strain, a sore jaw, a numb mouth, losing feeling in their hands or legs, etc. It can be pretty uncomfortable and exhausting to bring a man to orgasm with one’s mouth.

But, there are ways to make giving head less work for your partner. One of the tricks is to make sure your partner gets themselves into a good position so that they don’t cramp up. Your partner also shouldn’t be just bobbing their head up and down; they’ll have an easier time if they move from the waist and bob their whole upper body. It also will help if they use one hand to steady themselves and one hand to steady your cock – switching hands if one arm gets tired. They need to be in a position where they’re going to be comfortable and not going to be off balance, tense, or cutting off circulation. It can be a surprisingly delicate procedure.

Another trick to ease blowjob lock-jaw is to let your partner finish you off with their hand – the final moments before you cum can be the most arduous for your partner, who is trying their best to maintain speed and suction – they might be more likely to give you a little oral more often if you let them skip the rough part at the end. A comfy head-giver is a happy head-giver and a happy head-giver is a repeat head-giver.

b) Gagging- maybe you got overexcited once or twice and jammed your cock down their throat or they got overeager and tried to take you too deep – in the end it doesn’t always matter whose fault it is, but just that it happened. Gagging can be scary, doesn’t feel very good, and could put someone off giving head for a good long time. [I know I always wince when I'm watching a porn and I can tell that the girl just totally gagged on the guy's cock - I usually fastforward through the blowjob parts because I'm too sensitive.]

You can help your partner out with this problem by not jamming your cock down their throat and they can help themselves out by taking it slow when they try to take you deep and by keeping a hand at the base of your shaft to help guide and keep things in control.

c) It makes them feel used or like a slut (in a bad way). Now this may or may not be their current partner’s fault, it could come from how he acts, something he’s said, or it could be the result of past a boyfriend(s). This could even come from the beliefs of family, friends, and even their culture!

One of the things you, as the hopeful receiver, can do to help is to let your partner know that you don’t think they are a slut (unless this is something that you both enjoy playing with) and show your appreciation before and after. This is a tricky issue to work with and might require a little outside help from a friendly therapist.

d) They don’t feel connected to you while they do it. Yes, I know they are connected to you via your cock; but (as AAG can testify) they might not always feel emotionally/psychologically connected to you and for many people, that connection is very important during sex. Sex is about being close and intimate with someone else (among other things), and sometimes that connection is hard to feel when you’re “up there” having fun and they are “down there” pleasuring you.

You can help your partner feel more connected to you by talking to them and making noise, let them know that you like what’s they’re doing, say their name, tell them that’s they’re doing a good job, and that you’re getting close. Or maybe get into a position where you can touch their body too, give them a little pleasure – maybe go for a 69!

e) They think they’re bad at it – Maybe it wasn’t even you that told your partner that they suck at sucking cock, but why would they want to do something that they’ve been told they’re bad at?

This could be another tricky issue, or it could be easily solved by you telling them that they aren’t awful, that maybe they should practice more… like right now. ^_~ If your partner really isn’t very good, give them some guidance – they would rather have you tell them to adjust their head than find out that the reason why you took half an hour to cum was because their teeth were scraping along your shaft in a painful way.

f) You don’t reciprocate. And this is true for many things: letters, oral sex, e-cards, etc; personally, I stopped giving a boyfriend back massages until he started to give me more (that worked by the way) – if you don’t give, you can’t always expect to receive.

So offer to give your partner head too, offer often, constantly even, until they protest that it’s too much!

g) You stink or are otherwise unpleasant in your crotch-ular region. Now I’m not talking about your regular man-musk, most people find that scent perfectly appetizing and arousing; I’m talking about stale crotch smell, overpowering sweaty crotch, and crazy overgrown pubes.

Often, the bulk of this problem can be solved with a shower and a little grooming, but if you’re really worried about making your crotch smell tasty, you could try using this herbal tea that makes you smell like maple.

Another fun way to make your crotch more appetising is to try is playing with food; whipped cream, chocolate sauce, nutella, flavoured lubes, ice cream, sugar, candy, fruit – heck anything tasty will do. Start by drizzling a little of your sauce of choice someplace innocuous, like your neck, and lure your partner down to your cock. ^_~

I hope things work out for you soon; remember that everyone is different and any (or none) of these reasons might be why your partner doesn’t want to go down on you. And while pressure does work to convince some people to do what you want, for others it just makes them more stubborn.

Good Luck!

Luv,
Shay

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